Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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