I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
only you would photoshop your dick
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
