Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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