Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
How's work?
Spinning.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Randomize
