I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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