its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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