Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
