A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
