Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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