Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Could you please tell me why If you were a 21 year old man why you would want to sleep with a girl who has tinkerbell bedding?
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
