How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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