I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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