Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
