dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
