Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize
