She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Randomize
