Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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