onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
