You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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