I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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