regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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