He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
