if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
