I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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