I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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