I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Randomize
