Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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