Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
