My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
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