and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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