I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
