I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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