i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
