nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
