ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
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