Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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