Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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