Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
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