that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
