I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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