She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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