Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
It's rum buckets o'clock
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
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