Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
