All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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