it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
