I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
