theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
