The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
