The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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