party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
