well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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